At the end of 2020, I took a break from dating which lasted until the end of 2022. I told myself that I needed to focus on myself. I was tired of the dating scene, of the lies, of the lack of communication, and the inconsistency. In 2023, I decided that I would give dating apps another try and joined one dating app, without any real expectations of meeting anyone. I did meet one guy and thought we had a real connection, only to have him ghost me and then pop back up a month later. I was truly hurt by his actions, because to me a simple hey, I’m not interested in pursuing this any further would have been sufficient. We are all adults and we’re not all meant for everyone.  My experience confused me because I thought that I had taken enough time to allow for healing and had hoped that healing would help me to attract better partners. It was only after some self-reflection, that I realized that I was healing from past heartbreak, but I was also isolating myself from the pain of dating. And in that isolation, there was no one there to trigger my anxieties so I felt as though I was healed.

         It wasn’t until I started dating again and met yet another person who had ulterior motives, and instead of listening to myself I decided to listen to them. I ignored my anxiety and gave excuses for all their behavior. And while it wasn’t the worse dating experience I have ever had, there were several moments when I was not true to myself. I wanted to be wanted and was caught up in emotions, not truly evaluating how this person moved or made me feel. Once their affections lessened, I was hurt and confused. But in the two years that I took a break from dating, I had grown. I had a therapist that helped me through the whole ordeal, I wrote affirmations and stuck them to my mirror to remind myself of my worth. And when this individual came back a month later expecting that their charm would win me over, I was able to stick to my boundaries. Two things that I need in a relationship are consistency and communication, and if those needs are not met that’s how I know it’s not for me. And because I had done the work to define my needs, I knew that I could walk away from what was no longer serving me.

         Walking away felt good.  I didn’t write long paragraphs, I didn’t call and cry hoping to guilt them into feeling bad, I just wrote it’s been a month and that was it. We often spend so much time doubting who we are and focusing on the ways in which we have failed, that we don’t often celebrate the ways in which we have grown. It has taken years for me to be able to understand and set my boundaries, to put myself first, and to stick to my boundaries. To know that anyone who chooses not to listen to them, is not for me. So, my time spent not dating was fruitful. I can see the ways in which I’ve grown, and I can also see that there is so much work left to do.

         I left the dating app after I was ghosted, but still toy with the idea of joining another one. While I think about it, I am hoping to be more open to new experiences and meeting new people organically. I haven’t closed myself off to dating as I did in the past because I see the ways in which I was using it as a crutch to not put myself out there again. Healing does happen in isolation, but it also needs community. Some parts of me will only be healed with another person there to shine a light on what still needs work. But until that happens, I will work on what I can fix on my own.