One of my prayers and wishes for this year was that God would restore the years of my life that I felt the locusts had eaten. It’s a verse in the Bible and it’s basically just saying that God will heal that which has been broken. That those years that you felt were wasted, you will begin to see them in a different light. For me, I always took this to mean that the years I spent dating and heartbroken would be restored by me dating the right one. But it wasn’t until I was getting my second massage in two months, that it dawned on me: healing often doesn’t look the way we expect.
I recently had an abdominal myomectomy to remove my fibroids. When I first found out that my fibroids were so large, I started on a homeopathic regimen to try and shrink them naturally. They didn’t shrink, in fact more fibroids grew and they got bigger. As I kept trying in vain, I just remember thinking that my healing won’t look like what I was expecting. I was essentially delaying the inevitable. The recovery from my surgery at times has been hard, and I am still far from recovered, but it has been incredible to see how these tumors had been completely disrupting my life. My largest fibroid was 20cms and my uterus was distended to the size of a 5-month pregnancy. Since they’ve been removed, I feel better. Not only physically, but mentally knowing that this weight has been removed from my body.
This past year, I’ve spent more time and money doing things that help me to feel beautiful and whole. From monthly facials, to manicures and pedicures I feel a peace in my life that I hadn’t in years. I also have not dated anyone or even talked to anyone for all of 2021. In my head, I thought that my healing from the years of dating or the years of working in terrible jobs would look a certain way. And now I can see that if we don’t open our eyes to the ways that we are becoming whole and healthier, we might miss it.
For some of us, healing might mean going to a therapist. For some it might mean coming to the realization that our poor eating habits and diet are holding us back. For some of us it might mean taking time away so we can focus on ourselves. But the worst thing is to find yourself in the same place, because you refused to try a new way to heal. It might be painful as my surgery was, but it will be worth it. I wish all of us healing from the pain and the hurts that we carry. Our bodies weren’t meant to bear such weight.