About a month ago, I saw a post on Instagram from @the.holistic.psychologist about digging deeper into the patterns of our intimate partner relationships. I took a screenshot and one day finally sat down to answer the questions. One of the questions asked were you doing the choosing or were you trying to be chosen? And I was floored. Because even though I have given thought to this question in my dating history, I had never applied it to all my past dating partners.

I think a lot of times society tells us that to be chosen and to do the choosing are the same thing, but they are not. Choosing a partner means that you are able to make a choice. You’re not desperate or choosing from a place of pain, but you are making a rational choice that this person is who you want to be with. Being chosen implies that you want to be with someone, anyone. You might have genuine feelings for this person, but they chose you and you went along for the ride.

I know for me personally, I have dated many people who chose me. And yes, there was an attraction on my part, but they chose me. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted someone to choose me.  By choosing me, I felt that they would validate my existence. It was a way to show the world that someone wanted me. Unfortunately, the problem with this way of dating is that you often settle for far less than you deserve, and you’re not truly happy. Not because the person might not be a great person, but because you’re not happy within yourself. A partner, a new job, more money will never bring you internal happiness if you do not do the work to change yourself on the inside first.

I’ve shared several times on my blog that I am single. Nothing has changed, I’m still single. And while I do want to be in a relationship and have a family of my own one day, I’m content with knowing that I don’t need to be chosen by anyone because I’m choosing me. It’s such an interesting question to ask yourself: Are you doing the choosing or are you being chosen? Give it a try, the answer might surprise you.