A video has been circulating of Pastor John Gray discussing his marriage and his wife. In this discussion, he says that his wife has birthed him and covered him as he has grown out of his immaturity to become the man that God has destined him to be. This video has created a lot of backlash and conversation about the role of a wife in marriage and the narrative that we tell women about what they must do to get a husband.
As a woman, I have an issue with this narrative and what Pastor John Gray said about his wife and her role. The Bible explicitly says that he who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Meaning that it is a man’s job to find a wife because it will be beneficial to his life. But we have turned this narrative into a woman’s job to find a husband. From a biblical perspective that is not my job. Nor is it my job to birth you into the man that you need to become. Yes, a spouse should propel you forward, but it is not my job to mold you into someone. We have to stop teaching women that they should be content with any broken man so they can say that they have someone. God intends for all of us to be whole in him. Meaning I need you whole in God and in yourself and then we can take it from there. As your spouse, I will support you in the best way that I can, but I am not responsible for birthing you into a man that you need to be.
Women are often taught that it is better to have anyone, than be alone. So, we find ourselves in relationships where we are degraded, abused, and demoralized with broken men who have no business being with anyone. We take it upon ourselves to try to fix these broken puzzle pieces only to find that in this process you create two broken people. The thing is when you cover someone and birth them, you’re doing all the heavy lifting and at the end of the day no one is covering you. If the Bible says that the man is to the head of the household, how am I supposed to cover you? Shouldn’t you be covering me?
This narrative is especially prevalent in the African-American community where Black women are expected to be a mother, wife, best friend, lover, confidant, and a slew of other words to the men in our lives. I know personally that I have bought into the idea that I need to offer as much emotional and spiritual support to the men in my life so that they can become who they need to be. And often they don’t become what they need to be because motivation is intrinsic. It’s taken me many years and tears to understand this point.
Ladies, please hear me on this one. It is not your job to be birthing anyone but your kids. I am done with this idea that I need to raise a man. I have personally dated many immature men and it’s exhausting. We should teach our boys that they have the inner strength to be whole on their own. It’s not anyone’s job to come beside them and guide them as a parent and they cannot expect their partner to fit that role. I do believe that a wife should cover her husband in prayer. I pray for my future husband, wherever he is (Boo, you can stop hiding now I’m ready J). I pray that our union will be joyous and I pray that he will be able to lead our household and that he will be whole. I pray that God makes me into the woman that I need to be and that my husband will love and respect me. I pray that while I am working on me he is working on himself. I pray for our children and the family that we will have together. But the only person I’m birthing are my kids. Either come whole or don’t come at all.