R&B Singer, Ciara recently posted online this video of a pastor telling women that they need to live in the spirit of a wife and stop living in the spirit of the girlfriend if they want to be married. Everyone started dragging Ciara about how it’s not supportive of women and how we were all there for her when she was going through her personal problems. Besides the irony in dragging a woman for dragging other women is the simple fact that while Ciara’s approach of telling women to level up is insulting, the message about thinking differently isn’t wrong. Let me explain.  (Well first watch the video, link below)

Living in the spirit of a wife means that you are out here living your best life. Please don’t think I’m saying that to be a wife is the end all, be all because it’s not. But if you want to be married one day you do need to begin to keep that in your mind. Stop settling for less than what you deserve in your relationships, stop selling yourself short, and begin to see yourself as someone’s equal counterpart. If I want to be a business owner I would prepare myself for that role before I even start my business. If I want to be a wife, that’s a role that I need to start preparing for from before it happens. I can’t start being a wife the day I say “I do”.

The Bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing. In perhaps one of the most famous love stories in the Bible is the story of Ruth and Boaz. Boaz marries Ruth and is able to redeem her family lineage after her husband dies. One of the most interesting points in this story is the fact that Ruth was doing her. She was in a field working when Boaz noticed her. Living in the spirit of a wife doesn’t mean you’re preparing yourself to be subservient it means that you’re literally living your life. And your partner should come beside you and compliment your life. She wasn’t at home worrying about what her life had now become, she was living. Do you. And if someone comes along that’s great but if no one comes along that’s great too. While I do want to be married one day, I’ve slowly come to terms that if I live my life just me for the rest of my days, that’s still an amazing life worth living.  Check out my recent post on my being single and childless: https://dontcallmebeth.com/2018/01/13/my-lonely-sad-uterus/

With that being said, I do agree with the point that we put too much emphasis on women being ready to be wives but not enough emphasis on preparing men to be husbands. It takes two. So if I’m out living in the spirit of a wife, please believe that I need you to be out here living in the spirit of a husband. Because if you approach me and you’re not as prepared as I am then you’re not the one, boo boo. In society we’re quick to tell women to be chaste, soft-spoken, well-groomed etc. so they can find Mr. Right. But fellas, you can’t be out here sleeping with every women, trifling in every way, then think I should be the perfect one for you. Don’t be out here living in the spirit of a boyfriend and thinking I’m going to be acting like your wife.    The idea of living in the spirit of a wife or husband is that it’s a mutual decision to be committed.  Ruth might have approached Boaz in a forward way (which she did) but Boaz was a man of integrity. He was a man who was willing to give and willing to cover her with protection (literally). He knew what he wanted and made the necessary steps to make that happen. He honored her and saw something in her before he even knew her. Men if you’re looking for a wife take a hard look in the mirror first and “ask yourself if you’re ready to be someone’s husband?” If the answer is no, then keep to yourself until you are.

Part of being ready to be a spouse is discernment. It was the character of the person that drew Ruth and Boaz to each other.  Every man you meet will not be a potential mate. Ladies you need to learn how to weed people out. Set standards for yourself just like you would with a job or an apartment and don’t compromise. Ladies don’t continue to date someone if you don’t see any potential with them. And please don’t tell me it’s taken you two years to figure that out. People show you who they are from the jump, so you know but you chose to ignore what was in front of you. I say this from personal experience. Until I began to change my mindset about who I was, I only attracted people on that level. It’s still a work in progress but you are what you attract.  Stop thinking you can turn a frog into a prince. Gents this goes for you too. You might have met the most beautiful women in the world but you know when someone is for you and when they’re not.  It’s their character that matters.

If you want deeper more committed relationships then date with intent and purpose. If you’re just looking for someone to hook up with then this post clearly is not for you. If you don’t want to be married, then ok boo do you. Marriage is not for everyone and not everyone wants to be married. But I don’t think dragging someone for sharing what worked for them to be married is the solution. Everyone stays asking Ciara how she got Russell? A man who is successful, and committed to her and his family. This is clearly what she wanted. So she aligned her mindset with her wants. Ladies we can’t claim to support one another then at the first sign of disagreement we turn on each other like spoiled milk.  Yes, men need to step the hell up and live in a way that is deserving of a wife.  But as a woman, Ciara was talking to women.  She later posted what she needed to do for herself, in order to find someone who would treat her the way she deserved to be treated. I think so many people have an issue with her because they still see her for her past faults. But she’s not living in the past, and clearly neither is her husband. At the end of the day that’s literally all that matters. Stop bringing up her past with Future. All of us out here dating have dated someone who is the definition of trifling and if you haven’t it’s because you’re the trifling one.  Let’s aim on being better people and partners and stop dragging people for the same mistakes that we’re all guilty of. That sounds like the spirit I want to be living in.